One Minute Monologues for Teens Funny
MONOLOGUE COLLECTION
| COMIC MONOLOGUES FOR MEN | COMIC MONOLOGUES FOR WOMEN |
| DRAMATIC MONOLOGUES FOR MEN | DRAMATIC MONOLOGUES FOR WOMEN |
| CLASSICAL MONOLOGUES FOR MEN | CLASSICAL MONOLOGUES FOR WOMEN |
| COMIC MONOLOGUES FOR TEENS/KIDS (GIRLS) | COMIC MONOLOGUES FOR TEENS/KIDS (BOYS) |
| DRAMATIC MONOLOGUES FOR TEENS/KIDS (GIRLS) | DRAMATIC MONOLOGUES FOR TEENS/KIDS (BOYS) |
| MONOLOGUES FOR SENIORS |
20 Super Funny Comedic Monologues For Teenage Females From Plays
1. ALL KIDDING Bated
A monologue from the play past Charles Johnson
Scotty
Welcome to the testify. My name is Scotty Devlin. I know what you're all thinking… How come up she has a boy'south proper name? Actually my real name is Heidi.
But I had to change it when I lost my virginity. Anybody named Heidi must alter their name when they lose their virginity. That's the dominion.
Look at these girls over here all rustling through their programs. You're all Heidis, right? Lamentable. Am I embarrassed or what? Actually, I lied to y'all.
Scotty is my real name. Y'all meet, when I was born the physician was either far-sighted or a prankster, because as I popped out, I remember it vividly, he declared "information technology's a boy."
In fact, I was a boy until my mother inverse my diapers for the first time. Can y'all imagine their surprise. My mother fainted. My father just stared, "he can't exist my male child." I was in stitches.
They tried calling me Judy for a while but I just wouldn't reply. Would you lot take? There's a Heidi nodding her head.
Oh, by the way, the part about all Heidis having to change their names when they lose their virginity, I didn't lie about that.
That is a known fact. Yeah, it'southward true. Retrieve almost it. How many grown women exercise you know named Heidi? All the Heidis I know are most 8 years old with long blond braids downwardly their backs.
They all wear pink dirndls with little white aprons. And are surrounded past goats. They skip their way into loftier school, getting A'southward in Home Ec.
And then i 24-hour interval, probably on their 21st birthday- wham- Veronica, Yvonne, Desiree. This is absolutely true, I promise you. Yous've never heard of a child being called Yvonne, have you?
If I had been called Judy, I'd have to change my name when I stopped wearing bangs. Take you ever met a 70 yr erstwhile woman named Judy?
It sounds similar she should be chewing glue and skipping rope. I'm non making this upward. Right earlier middle age sets in, Cindys go Harriet, or Beatrice, they have that selection.
All Wendy's die at puberty. Regrettable, but necessary. I sort of like existence chosen Scotty, too it'southward improve than my heart name – Doug. Look, I gotta run.
But before I go, I simply want to say that I hope all the guys who are sitting here tonight with a girl named Heidi, wake up tomorrow morn with a Desiree.
2. Container of Sharks!
A monologue from the play by Don Zolidis
JOYCE
( JOYCE, a nervous inventor presenting her idea to investors )
Hello Sharks. (She takes a deep breath) Sometimes with all of the trauma we are experiencing on a daily footing, we need something that'southward a picayune flake of a stick-me-up. Pick-me-upwards.
A choice-me-up. (She is trying to agree information technology together) I mean a pick-me-up. I said the word wrong. Which is really stupid of me. I always do this – as shortly as I have a risk at doing something smashing I screw information technology upward.
I forgot to tell you my name. My proper noun is Joyce. Actually y'all probably already know that from what the Voice said so why am I bothering to say it once more?
(She shivers and twitches) Can I kickoff over please? (She starts over)
Hello Sharks! (Takes another moment) Hello Sharks. Hi Sharks! Hello Sharks. I am then sorry. Hello Humans and Shark!
My proper name is Joyce, and sometimes with the daily trauma in our lives we need a petty something to… a pick-me-up.
(She's well-nigh to lose information technology once again. She hisses to herself) 'Get it together, Joyce. You can do this.' 'Everyone was right about you.'
'Shut your face. Shut your stupid face up. I'm not listening to you.' 'That's why y'all fail.' 'No. NO. Nooooo.' (She growls like the Hulk and rallies, talking really fast)
So what I decided to do was make these stickers! Yeah I did! And these stickers come in packs of twelve and you can put them on things!
Similar this one if you need to remind yourself of your capabilities! It says "You tin can do it!" (She puts the sticker on herself)
But of form yous tin't read it if yous put information technology on your shirt, so you need to put it somewhere else so I'm actually going to have the sticker off and put information technology here.
(She takes the sticker off and puts it on her arm) It doesn't really stick also to skin considering that's non how stickers work, simply I'm working on that,
this is merely the prototype actually, but… there are other stickers, like this one that says "I believe in you!" Yes! Sometimes yous need that.
Sometimes you demand to have someone believe in you, even if you're the only person who believes in y'all.
Even if everyone else thinks you're a loon, and thinks you lot'll never arrive, and says that your sticker idea is impaired and yous'll never corporeality to annihilation and you should've never left Bemidji and y'all're going to fail in a blaze of fire and yous will dice lonely. Even then.
(She puts the other sticker on herself and looks at information technology. Sadly) Sometimes the stickers don't work. (She sniffles) (She rallies) But I have others!
Like this one which says "Y'all will not die alone." (She contemplates that sticker) This one is dark. I hateful you lot probably don't need a sticker to say this if you lot were a confident person.
I approximate I'k the kind of person who needs a sticker to tell me I'thou not going to die alone. Merely what does the sticker know, honestly?
The sticker doesn't have some kind of stranglehold on truth. The sticker is merely a meaningless saying. Why did I even make them?
Who would do that? (She takes another sticker, reads it) "You can avoid poor decisions." (She stops) Tin I commencement over?
3. TEEN
A monologue from the play by Kristen Doherty
Jeannie
Okay then, I was on Insta correct and saw Pete McIntire'southward proper name online. I don't know what possessed me, merely I got brave and just wrote "Howdy" … I know! … I tin can't believe I did either…
Anyway, he writes dorsum! Directly away, almost, and said "Hullo Jeanie… How R U?" Just the letters R U… Ok pay attention to that considering it becomes important afterward in the story… Ok?
So anyway, I wrote "Great!" simply with an 8 instead of the letters… so like Grr and then the number viii. Because I idea that sounded libation… and he just used RU…
Are you lot keeping upward? Yeah? Adept! Because and so he wrote "Nosotros should totally catch upward and watch a motion picture or something!" Yes! He actually did.
I couldn't believe the words that popped up on the screen. Pete McIntire request me to hang out… and encounter a movie with him … In a dark movie theater, where he could totally like want to buss me or something.
And anyway, I was similar you know… trying not to get likewise excited. Considering this is Pete! Pete McIntire… And then, I but like waited for like a whole minute, which was torture…
But I didn't want to be likewise keen, and so I was patient for like 65 agonising seconds… So finally I wrote "Yeah I'm up for that".
Then, all casual like when I felt like screaming "Aye! Yes! Yes! I'll have your baby Pete McIntire!" Anyway… Now this office is what I need your advice on…
Considering now information technology gets confusing…. Ok, so he wrote. "I can inquire Steven to come and you can ask Stace" Boo! Double appointment… Harder to get a pash when we accept our besties in tow.
Anyway, I'm thinking "at least I will exist on a date with Pete McIntire" … But then I idea "Does he mean a double date like every bit in 'him and I' and 'Steven and Stacey?'
… Or a double engagement of 'Steven and me' and 'him and Stacey?' Does he like Stacey? … He'south never met Stacey… or has he? Are they secretly together?
I hateful she would accept told me, right?… She tells me everything… But then why would he call her Stace if they've never met?
Stace is a nickname and y'all only give people nicknames if you know them personally and generally like them… If you are friends… Or more than friends….
Do yous call up they are together, and Stacey hasn't told me because she knows I am totally in beloved with him and have been for months?
Anyhow, then information technology got actually, really confusing because I said. "Sure I'll inquire her" I know! I showed then much restraint because I really wanted to scream at him "Are you cheating on me with my best friend?
… But I didn't I but said "certain." And so anyway, then he wrote "Thanks Jeannie, I honey you." What the actual…? I love you! Exclamation point.
Spelt out. 'I L.O.V.E you.' Not merely 'L.U.V'. That ways something right? I hateful it'due south got to mean something! And this relates to the RU reference from earlier.
If he is the sort of guy to employ letter abbreviations in his texting like RU, why would he use the bodily word LOVE if he didn't actually honey me… Similar for real?
Okay. Then it gets really, really complicated because he put 1 dearest heart emoji and one laughing crying emoji. Does the laughing crying emoji abolish out the dearest eye, or is it the other fashion around?
Considering it changes the whole meaning if it does.
4. Provenance
A monologue from the play by Ronnie Burkett
PITY
And simply as I was about to give upward, there was a miracle. In that location was a school play. See my loftier school had this drama teacher, Mr. Garfinkel, who obviously had studied at a bottom establishment of college learning in a suburb of Toronto that fabricated him similar this full theatre expert.
He was ever doing collectives and student-created work. That‟south simply a footstep upwardly from musicals and murder mysteries, I suppose, but, simply the same, they were always so lame.
Only in his heed they were completely relevant to our teenage angst.
Anyhow, there was a play – or rather a educatee collective – called Cute Voices, a hodge-podge of melting-pot stories reflecting the diversity of teenage experience and the one-ness of our global village, blah apathetic blah.
Information technology was a serial of monologues and choral chanting with yoga-base of operations movement, and featured the usual cast of characters.
Amy Tamblidge, this totally annoying born again "ho" with giant t*ts talking well-nigh her dreams for global peace, Randall Betrick ranting on nigh his parents‟ divorce again,
Trey Fergusson and Amber Witherspoon in this embarrassing dialogue regarding teenage suicide without having the courtesy to actually perform it for us,
Blaine Hawker confessing that he was gay – oh puh-leese, similar that was news – and at present were all supposed to like him even though he was just as annoying as earlier only out, and on and on and on, blah, apathetic, blah.
Simply in the end, there he was. My phenomenon. A boy who had never dipped his toe into the cesspool of drama club before, but had been coerced into my grouping past Mr. Garfinkel considering of his brooding intensity and sullen mystique.
Which meant he was totally hot, in that damaged and unsafe kind of style.
v. Surface Tension
A monologue from the play by Elyne Quan
Woman
(Sighs) I‟ve always wanted to be taller. I‟ve wanted to exist taller and… unlike. Sometimes blond. That would exist something.
I conspicuously remember that in class one I wished I had blond curly hair so I could wear pale blue ribbons in it and be actually cute.
Not just kind of cute, but actually beautiful. I was walking home for lunch. The sunday was out and it was a cute day. I was looking down at the basis at my silhouette – specifically my head – and I recall wishing I had curly blond hair.
I would be noticed. Pale blue ribbons and pigtails. And a matching dress, frilly but not too frilly. And matching footling blue shoes with white patent bows on them.
Shoes can brand or break an outfit, you know. Well as hard as I wished I never became blond. Go figure. And dye jobs in the early eighties weren‟t the science they are now.
Curly blond hair for a trivial Chinese girl was flake far-fetched so I did the best I could. Perms! So I could actually have curly pigtails if I wanted them.
Of grade I was older past now so pigtails were out of the question. (Takes out a photo and presents information technology to the audience.)
Parted down the eye and curly and away from my face. Like the girl in Aha‟south "Accept On Me" video. Yeah. So I had bad hair all the way through my formative years.
But hair isn‟t everything.
6. All This Intimacy
A monologue from the play by Rajiv Joseph
JEN
Ty… I wasn't going to bring this upwardly today, merely seeing as yous take laryngitis, I figured this might be the best time for a chat.
Because whatever inclination you may have to interrupt me, well that just won't be possible because you lot can't speak. Ha. Oh well.
Ok, OK, simply sit still for a second and allow me speak before yous start scribbling abroad like a madman, Jeez! I knew you'd do this or something, just sit at that place and let me say my peace!
Heed… Okay. Ty: And so equally yous know, as we both well know… there has never been a time in my life, when I haven't been, you know in school! (she sees him scribbling) Let me terminate!
(she reads what he holds up) Y'all know I don't like that word, it's rude. (He starts writing again) I can't believe yous have laryngitis and you're even so interrupting me! Constantly!
Look I'm going to talk and you tin listen or not listen, but (Ty holds up a note) No, I don't want to order in pizza! I am non staying for dinner!
Pause Upwardly, OK, BREAK Upwards. Me. Interruption up. With you. How about that? Oh this has never happened to Ty Greene before, because he is so smooth and no one can ever make it two words in edgewise (intermission)
And don't look at me like that. Don't act and then heartbroken. It'due south not you. I just never feel we're on the aforementioned page. This is what I'm talking virtually, Ty.
I'one thousand trying to pull things together. I love you, but when I'm around you, things come up apart. They come apart.
Read the play here
seven. Hold Me
A monologue from the play past Jules Feiffer
Katy
I talk likewise much. I'1000 quite brilliant, then it'due south interesting, but nonetheless, I talk besides much. You see, already I'thousand maxim much more than I should say.
Boys detest it for a girl to blurt out, 'I'm vivid.' They think she's really saying, I'm brighter than you are.' As a affair of fact, that is what I am saying.
I'one thousand brighter than fifty-fifty the brightest boys I know. That's why information technology'due south a mistake to talk as well much. Boys fall behind and experience challenged and grow hostile.
Then when I'1000 very attracted to a male child I make a indicate to talk more than slowly than I would to ane of my daughter friends.
And considering I guide him forth from insight he ends up being terribly impressed with his own luminescence. And with mine for beingness able to keep upwards with him.
And he tells me I'm the outset girl he's always met who's every bit interesting as one of his mates. That's love.
Read the play hither
8. Dog Sees God: Confessions of a Teenage Blockhead
A monologue from the play by Bert V. Regal
VAN'Due south Sister
I was significant. Don't worry. It wasn't yours. I had just gotten an abortion the twenty-four hour period before and the next day in Biological science, we were ironically learning about reproduction.
I'yard listening to Miss Rainey talking near fallopian tubes, the uterus, eggs and I'm feeling sick to my stomach already. Trying to zone out on anything I tin can.
And then I outset reading a annotation over Miss Puritanical Princess' shoulder and she's telling her friend "how happy she is that she's a virgin and that she's going to stay that way until she gets married and how repulsed she is past all the little wh*res at our school."
Without thinking, I reached into my pocket for my cute, little carmine Bic lighter and lit her beautiful, little cerise hair on burn down. And every solar day in therapy, they ask me if I'chiliad sorry all the same and I just can't be.
No matter how hard I effort. B*tches like that brand me sick. They've made me sick. I am officially sick, psychotic, unrepentant and unremorseful.
I've been branded a sociopath and I have no choice merely to believe it.
Read the play here
9. August: Osage Canton
A monologue from the play by Tracy Letts
VIOLET
I ever tell you lot the story of Raymond Qualls? Not much story to it. Boy I had a shell on when I was 13 or and then. Real crude-looking boy, beat upward Levis, messy pilus. Terrible under-seize with teeth.
Simply he had these beautiful cowboy boots, shiny chocolate leather. He was so proud of those boots, you could tell, the way he‟d strut around, all artillery and elbows, puffed up and cocksure.
I decided I needed to get a girly pair of those same boots and I knew he‟d ask me to go steady, convinced myself of information technology. He‟d encounter me in those boots and say, "At present in that location the gal for me."
Establish the boots in a window downtown and just went crazy: I‟d stay upward late in bed, rehearsing the conversation I was going to have with Raymond when he saw me in my boots.
Must‟ve asked Momma a hundred times if I could go those boots. "What do yous want for Christmas, Half-dozen?" "Momma, I‟ll give all of it up for those boots." Bargaining, you know?
She started dropping hints well-nigh a package under the tree she had wrapped up, about the size of a boot box, real squeamish wrapping newspaper.
"Now Vi, don‟t you crook and await in at that place earlier Christmas morning." Niggling smile on her face. Christmas morning time, I was upwards like a shot, boy under the tree, trigger-happy open that box.
At that place was a pair of boots, all right… men‟southward piece of work boots, holes in the toes, chewed up laces, caked in mud and domestic dog poo.
Lord, my Momma laughed for days. My Momma was a mean, nasty old woman. I suppose that‟s where I got information technology from.
Read the play here
10. Hello
A monologue from the play by Stefan Marks
ALICE
Take you started filming? No! Please don't start, can you rewind information technology? Okay. Alright. Okay… Can I stand? No, okay. Alright. I'll sit. Um, okay, you're really going to cutting this part out, right?
Okay, okay, sorry, okay. Start now. Hello, everybody. My proper noun is Alice and I write untraditional children's stories. I try to write with the wisdom of an adult and the honesty of a kid. I've written seven books.
At that place Is No God and I Can Show it, that'due south i of them, and Waking Up Early Sucks, Grandma's Gonna Dice Soon Only That's Okay, Mom and Dad Prevarication All the Fourth dimension, and.. oh God, I'yard thinking… Okay, well, there'southward iii more.
And I try to teach kids that you know, y'all're probably not going to get everything you want when yous grow up, but that'southward okay because lodge has brainwashed you into thinking that yous want something that you probably didn't want in the start identify.
OH, do I want to have children… Well, you lot see, I like to think of my stories as my children, y'all know, ones you can legally impale off after they've been published. (Awkward laughter.)
.. And commonly I retrieve before I speak, simply lately I've been speaking and and so thinking and I'grand like Oh my God Alice why the f*** did y'all just say that and I'thou similar… Oh my god, I'thou then lamentable I don't usually swear.
Can y'all delight cut that out? Okay, cheers. Practice I actually think that in that location'southward no God? Um, well, I don't think that's going to help me get dates.
…Okay. I believe that if there is a God, it'd probably exist smart plenty to hide its existence from me.
11. Skid Marks: A Play About Driving
A monologue from the play by Lindsay Toll
JILLIAN
Jillian confronts her car.
Herman, I want you to listen up and listen good. We're going for a drive and you're not going to give me any grief. You lot're going to kickoff properly.
You're non going to stall. You lot're not going to make those knock, knock, cha-ping noises like last time.
I know you were merely doing information technology to spite me 'cause I took y'all to the mechanic and the mechanic said at that place was null wrong! So at that place'southward no point in making knock, knock, cha-ping noises.
I'k on to you now. I know the little game you're trying to play. But who'south in charge hither Herman? Who's got the keys? Is it Jillian or Herman?
Jillian or Herman? JillianHerman? I could put y'all in a no-park zone, permit yous get towed and never collect you lot.
How'd you lot like that, huh? I could have you to the wrong side of town and leave you lot all lonely with the windows downward and the keys in the ignition.
That wouldn't exist prissy would it? Would it? So you just better deport yourself from now on. No more knock, knock, cha-ping noises.
No more than chugha-ka-sloughing. No more wheeza, wheeza, humpa humpa znack znack znack when nosotros're going up hills. No more flashing the oil light when the oil is total and fine.
I Detest that. And absolutely no more spitting gas when I'k filling the tank. Oh I can hear you snickering, Herman, when I'm standing there covered in gas only it is and then not funny.
Not funny. Repeat after me please. I volition not spit gas on Jillian when she is trying to fill the tank. (she listens) Don't mumble! (she listens) Thank you.
In that location. I'm glad we had this petty talk. I promise we can go along working on our human relationship and put this piffling difficulty behind us. All right then.
Allow'south bulldoze.
Read the play here
12. Puffs, Or Seven Increasingly Eventful Years At A Sure School Of Magic And Magic
A monologue from the play by Matt Cox
Leanne is super excited and extremely proud that she is a Puff.
LEANNE
No! I don't want to leave. Why is everyone always and then down on u.s.? I won't stand for it anymore! And I won't sit for it either. And I as well won't stand on i leg because I can't.
Picket. Anyways. Look at your hand! You have a wand! (Everyone looks at the hand that in fact does not accept a wand in information technology.) Unless yous looked at your other hand.
Expect at yourselves! Hannah. You used to exist so awkward. And you notwithstanding are, but nosotros don't mind anymore! Who's that? It's Ernie Mac. And he is basically the best. And Sally.
Think the fourth dimension you did that matter?! It was amazing! Susie! Nosotros all thought yous'd exist dead by now. Only look at you, continuing there, alive. Wayne. You give the all-time hugs.
Megan! You requite ameliorate hugs than yous think yous do. And J. Finch. He's imaginary, AND HE Tin Practice MAGIC! We all can. We're wizards. So, sure. Information technology would be easy to get out.
Just wouldn't it be wrong? We should do what's correct. Like Cedric. I'1000 a Puff and I'm staying, because if we don't fight now nosotros may never detect out how that hat talks!
13. Terminal DRESS REHEARSAL
A monologue from the play by Jack Frakes
Director
The director is loud, frustrated, the distraught type, trying to be orderly and businesslike and tries to keep everything going smoothly, but the lights are lagging, stage coiffure and cast members arrive late, and the sassy stage crew is noisy. The caste of sense of humour of what goes wrong is largely dependent on the director's reactions to the frustrations.
All right! All correct! Let's become this show on the route! Let'south get started! Hey, stage director, let's turn on some lights! (lights off) Now quit that!
I said I want light, stage manager, liiiiights! (lights on) There! That'south amend! All right, Stage Manager, nobody likes a smart aleck! We've got to get this rehearsal started.
Hear me, Stage Managing director? Or are y'all hiding from me again? Stage Manager, nosotros're in a bustle! Where is my stage managing director!! Oh. Now look!-
We're running late and this is the final dress rehearsal. Turn on some more lights. Now get the cast on stage for roll call. All ready for ringlet call.
We'll commencement with the technical crew. Stage Manager? Is all your crew here? Good…good. Prompter? Prompter! I'chiliad calling coil. No i ever talks while I'm calling roll.
Sound effects girl? Wardrobe and Props girl? Oh okay, Makeup Girl? All right, now for the cast members. The Stepmother? What'due south wrong with your nose?
It looks terrible! You lot look like a large silly bird. Moving on…Younger Sister? Godmother? Fairy Godmother! What is incorrect with your dress?!
It looks horrid! No Fairy Godmother would ever look similar that. And, Fairy Godmother, adjust your crown-it looks empty-headed. Okay, expert!
(Similar a football game coach) All right, bandage. This is it. This is the final dress rehearsal. Information technology's important that you concentrate and stay in character.
Proceed the testify moving at all costs. Call back, I'll exist out forepart watching. Watching every movement you make. Pulling and rooting for yous all the mode downwards the line.
This evening'south the night-the terminal dress . And then give information technology the old stuff! The quondam oompa! (With gesture) All right-places!
Read the play here
xiv. Peter And The Starcatcher
A monologue from the play by Rick Elice (based on the volume by Dave Barry and Ridley Pearson)
Deed ii Scene Nine
MOLLY
You stop that right now. I won't answer any such question. You're leaning toward the sentimental and that'due south all well and practiced for a boy, only the fact is we girls can't beget to exist sentimental.
We must instead be strong. And when I marry, I shall make it very clear to this person – that sentimentality is not on the agenda. He will have to lump it or leave it.
And if he should leave, I'll stay a spinster and pin my hair dorsum and volunteer weekends at the hospital. And I will dearest words for their ain sake, like "hyacinth" and "Piccadilly" and "onyx."
And I'll accept a good old domestic dog, and retrieve what I like, and be a part of a different sort of family, with friends, you know? – who understand that things are only worth what you're willing to surrender for them.
Read the play hither
15. The Monologue Show (From Hell)
A monologue from the play by Don Zoldis
Lola
(Lola strides downstage, full of confidence.)
I'yard going to tell you a story about my greatest triumph. The 7th grade spelling bee. You can learn parts of words and waste your time memorizing the dictionary or whatever, but that's not what wins.
What wins is mental domination. The key is to introduce fear into the hearts of the other competitors. Break their spirits. You tin tell right away which of them are going to crack like tiny petty eggs.
You make center contact. Stare into their souls. (She shows of her dead-eyed stare.) This is my await. I call it Corpse Middle. I detect the first piddling boy.
A sixth grader. Suhail Patel. He's nearly four foot nine. I get nearly this close to him. I'1000 and then close that our noses might touch. And then I whisper: 'You think y'all empathize the proper spelling of latinate verbs?
Go dwelling, little male child. I'm going to enjoy crushing yous. ' Then you know what I practice? I blow on his face. (she blows) He freaks out like a swarm of bees just stung him. Starts crying.
He'll exist out in the first round. I use a different tactic with the girls. They've prepared for months. they 're all full of conviction and hope.
They got little pigtails and smiles — I start the rumors – 'So I hear you're using functioning enhancing drugs.' 'What?' 'I won't tell anyone.
Merely people are talking' Then I move on to the adjacent daughter. 'Miranda says even if you win she'south stealing your boyfriend.' 'That'southward not what Suhail Patel says.'
By the time we go on stage everyone hates each other. Who'due south their friend? Who'due south their enemy? Who'south taking drugs? It's a slaughter. Down to the concluding ii.
Me and Steven Williams. Steven is cold as ice. He stares forward, acts like he's deafened, he pretends non to encounter me, not to hear me. He'southward a machine.
The word is Syzgy. Definition please: An organisation of heavenly bodies. Country of origin: Undetermined. He starts spelling — S Y Z.
He thinks he's going to win. He knows the word. Only so just for an instant, he glances my direction, as if to say, I'm going to win, and that's when I unleash the look that volition win me this competition:
I call it: Spastic Thunder. (Lola makes 'Spastic Thunder') Information technology looks similar I'm having a seizure. My eyes cross. My teeth get-go shaking – spit flies out of my mouth – Steven loses his place, he makes a mistake.
A second Z. Ding. He'southward out. That's when I give him my final wait. Flaming Triumph. (Lola makes "Flaming Triumph") My word is pulchritudinous.
I'm so awesome I don't ask for country of origin. Puchritudinous. P U Fifty C H R I T U D I N O U South. Nail. Mic drib. I'k taking home a cool hundred dollar souvenir certificate to Barnes and Noble.
And that'southward how the game is played suckers. (Lola gives i last wait.) (She turns and returns to her place)
16. The Auditioners
A monologue from the play by Doug Rand
Auditioner #2 (teens to twenties)
This play is a comedy about the audience process for actors. Auditioner #ii is an actress doing a classical monologue.
My classical monologue is from the tragically underproduced masterwork of Natalie Stannard, entitled Rosaline'southward Lament. (#2 begins:)
O Romeo, Romeo — I'one thousand gonna hurt you, Romeo.
I was looking forrard to Uncle Capulet's party for months!
And you said you lot were going to sneak in then that you could dance with
me. If you tin recall dorsum that far.
Back when you told me that I was the nigh beautiful girl in the world, and that your eyes were only for me, that you'd die without my smile.
Information technology feels similar simply yesterday you said these things. Oh, expect, that'south
because it was only yesterday, right before y'all suddenly decided that
my loser cousin Juliet should get every concluding chip of your attention.
Frankly, Romeo, I'thousand disappointed. I question your judgment,
really. Considering guess what: Juliet'south non that pretty.
Her optics are also far apart, and she wears too much makeup, and I know from way too many summers at sleepaway camp that she snores similar a bear.
Also, FYI, Romeo, she's 13. Yous may not meet that every bit a problem, but we have certain laws in Verona you might desire to call up near before busting a movement on little miss jailbait.
Non that y'all care. You're probably laying the moves on Juliet right now,
tonight of all nights: the tortured sighing. The balcony by moonlight.
The rhymed couplets. Ungh, y'all are then predictable. And here you told me "the all-seeing sun ne'er saw my match since beginning the world begun."
You wouldn't close upwardly nigh my brilliant eyes, my high forehead and my cherry-red lip; my fine foot, straight leg and quivering thigh; and the demesnes that there adjacent lie —
non that you're getting anywhere near these demesnes without a ring, lover male child. Maybe Juliet is less persnickety on that front. Is that it, Romeo?
Is that why you dropped me for a 13-year-old who snores?
O Romeo, Romeo — you see me coming and you'd meliorate run, Romeo.
What's in a name? that which we call an a** By any other name would odor equally foul. Yous are so dead.
17. How I Got that Part
A monologue from the play by Robert Pridham
Beth (ten to fourteen)
Auditioning for a office in the eye school play is a do-or-die matter for one group of girls. Here, Beth reveals her ongoing battle with stage fear.
I don't know how any of this happened. My being here, I mean. I don't want to be in the play. Really, I'd rather do about anything else y'all can think of than exist in the play.
Standing out in that location on the stage? In front of all those people? (She shudders.) I think I'one thousand simply here because everyone else is here. It's like mass hysteria or something.
Everyone's trying to be in the play, they're all shouting and pushing so I merely run right along with them because it seems similar the right thing to practise, right?
I mean, I don't want to exist left out or anything. My female parent says: "Beth honey, the play is coming up soon and I hope you lot'll attempt out because you could really apply a boost to your self-confidence!"
What'southward wrong with my cocky-confidence? I don't have anything incorrect with my self-confidence. I'thou just quiet, that'southward all. The only thing wrong with my self-conviction is that my mother keeps worrying that there's something incorrect with my self-confidence.
"I remember my first play," she says, "and I recollect how wonderful it was to be up there in front end of all those people! Just wonderful!" Wonderful? Hah!
You're continuing up there in the dark worrying that you'll forget your lines or sing the wrong note or fall off the edge of the stage. And now here I am, standing up on the stage, and the managing director is saying: "Alright, I desire big, big voices and lots of feeling!"
And my palms are all sweaty and my knees are shaking and I can't become my mouth to open and my tongue won't work and I tin can't breathe and I'm starting to see spots in front of my eyes and I'thou pretty sure I'g going to exist dead in about 3 seconds.
What's so wonderful about that?
18. Infinite Daughter
A monologue from the play by Mora Five. Harris
Arugula (xvi twelvemonth quondam alien who looks like a human)
Since her arrival on Earth, Arugula has struggled to fit in with the boyish Humans she has been forced among.
After her first roller derby bout leads to an unexpected sexual encounter with her super-cool teammate Bruise, Arugula has a big realization and most blows her comprehend.
Exercise yous ever feel similar…like you're this alien being, who just ended up here on Earth with all these humans merely yous don't really belong?
And you're always asking yourself, similar, "Am I doing this, correct?" Similar you'll be in the audience at a show and you clap because the Humans are clapping, just you're as well thinking, Is this right?
Is this how people clap?" and that'southward similar a elementary thing. Talking to people is fifty-fifty worse. You never know what to say. Yous 're never set up with your beverage order.
You lot think people think your Dad is weird just you don't know why. You answer machines you're not supposed to answer and people wait at you.
But so, sometimes, every once in a while, finally, some ane affair will click into identify.
You have this one supercharged burst of understanding that makes similar a hundred other piffling things make sense because you lot suddenly realize, "Oh, I'm a lesbian conflicting" And like, at least you figured that out.
19. Sez She
A monologue from the play by Jane Martin
Actress
An 8th grader is upset past the way her female parent has dressed to become
to the P.T.A. meeting.
Oh my God, Mom! You are not, I am completely serious, goinout of this house wearing that! B*tch me out. Do yous know what you look like?
Y'all are mega-embarrassing, OK? Mom! You lot are representing me at the P.T.A., I tin't have everybody'due south eighth grade parents seeing y'all in hooker wear.
Ohmygod. Do you know how old you are? You are an ancient, decrepit person, Mom. Sorreee, just yous are. Spaghetti straps, and don't tell me that brim passes the finger test, Mom!
Wait a minute, expect i minute, open your mouth and hold it open. Ohmygod, gross! Ohmygod, is that a tongue piercing?
Female parent, menopause and natural language piercing are polar opposites, OK? Mom, in that location is a apparel code, you tin can't walk into the P.T.A. directly from the wh*re wars.
God, Mom, have a little respect, volition you, you lot're a dentist. I hateful where are we headed here I would similar to ask. Are you going to exist i of those threescore-yr-olds who look like steel prunes showing countless leg with plucked eyebrows and breast augmentation?
I warn you, Mom, if you ready foot in the P.T.A. I will become Dad and Aunt Lucy and your therapist and Father O'Keefe, and we'll do an intervention in the parking lot.
I mean hand over the tanning salon discount coupons. You know, I'chiliad sad but the deviation between who you lot are and who y'all think you are is an unbelievable sag gene.
At present become upstairs this minute and put on something with long sleeves and flats. You lot tin go to the meeting but, after that, ohmygod, you are soooo grounded!
20. Y'all're A Good Human, Charlie Brown
A monologue from the musical by Clark Gesner
Sally
"A 'C'? A 'C'? I got a 'C' on my coat hanger sculpture? How could anyone get a 'C' in coat hanger sculpture? May I ask a question? Was I judged on the piece of sculpture itself?
If and so, is it not true that fourth dimension lonely can judge a work of art? Or was I judged on my talent? If and then, is information technology fair that I be judged on a part of my life over which I accept no control?
If I was judged on my effort, so I was judged unfairly, for I tried as hard as I could! Was I judged on what I had learned near this projection?
If so, then were non you, my teacher, also being judged on your ability to transmit your knowledge to me?
Are you willing to share my 'C'? Perhaps I was being judged on the quality of coat hanger itself out of which my cosmos was made…now is this not also unfair?
Am I to be judged by the quality of glaze hangers that are used past the dry cleaning institution that returns our garments? Is that not the responsibleness of my parents?
Should they not share my 'C'?"
Read the play here
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| COMIC MONOLOGUES FOR TEENS/KIDS (GIRLS) | COMIC MONOLOGUES FOR TEENS/KIDS (BOYS) |
| DRAMATIC MONOLOGUES FOR TEENS/KIDS (GIRLS) | DRAMATIC MONOLOGUES FOR TEENS/KIDS (BOYS) |
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Source: https://mightyactor.com/comedic-monologues-for-teenage-females/
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